ATTACHMENT AND PAIN

(This article was written by Alsibar, who has studied spiritual guides extensively, and the original text in Portuguese can be read at this link.)

Is it possible to understand attachment and free oneself from it? What is the relationship between attachment and pain? Is it possible to live detached without becoming insensitive, cruel, or cold? What does meditation have to do with all of this?

Religious traditions often teach that attachment is one of the causes of human suffering. In everyday life, it's easy to see how much pain it causes. It's not easy to separate oneself from what one loves deeply, whatever it may be: a partner, a family member, a friend, a job, an animal, an object, a routine, a place, one's own body, youth, life, etc.

These things are very valuable, and no one wants to lose them or be separated from them. Faced with life's inevitability—loss, separation, old age, and death—one feels the high price that such attachment can cost.

In general, people don't know how to deal with the pain so characteristic of those moments. Is it possible to understand attachment and free oneself from it? Is it possible to feel, love, and care without becoming attached and without becoming a distant, cold, and insensitive person?

It is impossible to understand detachment without understanding attachment. Why does the mind cling to something? Isn't it because it gives it pleasure?

No one clings to what doesn't bring them satisfaction, comfort, and happiness. Upon closer analysis, while attachment is linked to a feeling of pleasure, what fuels it is not the experience itself, but the desire for continuity.

Can I have many pleasurable experiences, feel them, live them fully, and when they end, not allow the memory of that experience to turn into a "desire for more"?

After all, that's what causes suffering, isn't it? In other words, can I live each moment without longing for it to continue? For example, can I experience the joy of being with a loved one, but not suffer when they're not with me?

Can I experience the joy of being in a beautiful and wonderful place, but when I am no longer there, can I leave the experiences and memories behind without turning them into a source of regret? 

Can I live each moment so fully that there is no feeling of dissatisfaction or emptiness left?

Attachment is nothing more than the desire for a pleasurable experience linked to something or someone to continue. When I lose what gave me pleasure and my present becomes sad and empty, I recall past experiences and fervently wish for them to continue as a way to alleviate my suffering. In short: the cycle of attachment can be summarized in the following formula:

PLEASURE > LOSS > PAIN > MEMORY > DESIRE FOR CONTINUITY

Not necessarily in that order.

Human beings are accustomed to considering this chain as normal and natural. And, by never questioning its validity, they suddenly find themselves trapped in the clutches of pain and suffering. But is it possible to be a healthy person, to have a normal and balanced life, without falling into the traps of attachment?

Understanding the cycle of attachment is the first step toward liberation. The problem, as I perceive it, lies not in the experience of pleasure, but in the desire for continuity, triggered by memory, with the pain caused by separation as its primary cause.

Can I look at my pain directly without fear, without justifying it, without naming it, without trying to escape it? Can I simply observe how my mind creates this cycle, become aware of it, perceive it clearly without wanting to alter it or escape it? Can I remain with the "fact" and fully understand it, so that only the fact exists and nothing else?

To truly perceive the event is to perceive the entire cycle: my pain, my memories, and my desire for escape or continuity. Generally, memories are the cause of torment because the mind is enslaved by them, by the images of the past.

Images of a person, thing, or situation remain vivid in the mind for a long time. And when the mind realizes that reality is different, that these things no longer exist, what does it do?

Reactivate memories as a way to avoid painful reality. But—you might ask—is understanding and perceiving all this enough to free yourself from attachment and pain?  

The answer is this: as long as we fail to recognize that the very desire to be free from pain is, in itself, the fuel of that pain, there will never be liberation. So, what should we do?

Directly, nothing. Indirectly, much. Clear and direct awareness of this cycle—"awareness without choice," as Krishnamurti says—allows the mind to become free from it. In other words, when the mind realizes that no action on its part can transform or change this cycle, what should it do?

Relax, right? And this very perception, and the resulting relaxation and stillness, will produce a change independent of any direct action on the part of the mind.

Now that we understand this entire cycle, what can we do about it? Is it possible to transform each experience into a new and unique moment? Is it possible to look directly at reality, whatever it may be, in such a way that neither sadness nor memory compels me to avoid pain or crave pleasure?

In other words, can I live each moment without letting memory steal from me the direct experience of the now, which is unique, whatever it may be?

This is a way of life that very few people understand. People generally live only on memories, reminiscences, fears, and desires, and life becomes an endless search for past experiences that one tries to relive. Meanwhile, one loses sight of the here and now, which is neither good nor bad; it simply is.

Yes, a new path is possible, but to achieve it, it is necessary to learn to experience the reality of the present —"what is"— without fears, anxieties, or the interference of words, memories, and images from the past.

Meditation is precisely the experience of this other way of living. In meditation, one lives fully in the present. In the present there are no losses, for it is complete in itself; it leaves no room for ideals, images, desires, or memories. In meditation, everything that exists, exists in this moment of perception.

And if everything—absolutely everything we need—is in the here and now, there will be no psychological lack of any kind and, consequently, no room for attachment or pain.

Try it and see for yourself!

COMMENT

Sara: Excellent text! I love the warm way you share your experiences, in such an engaging and educational manner, which leads the reader not only to reflection but also to a direct understanding of what you point out so clearly. Thank you so much, Alsibar, for sharing who you are with us!

Thank you!